I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
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