You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I love you. Go after that dick
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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