i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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