I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
