Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
