flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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