and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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