you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
