You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
