Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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