Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I party with great urgency now.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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