Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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