I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
