1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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