There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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