I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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