Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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