so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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