i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
my liver is dry heaving
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
