I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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