i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
