weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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