I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
