meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
