So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
