dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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