I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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