I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
