I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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