Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
