just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
