I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Damn victory sex feels great
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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