woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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