I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
