She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
