you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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