I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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