You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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