i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
