I CAN MOONWALK!
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
