Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
