you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
