i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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