Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
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I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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