I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Randomize
