Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Randomize
