I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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