the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
