my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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