somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
