i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
