I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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