Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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