my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
