I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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