Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
