Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
