Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
