Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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