omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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