i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
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He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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