Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Mom said you looked used
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
