Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
