I faked an abortion last night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
