when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
