hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
