wakey wakey hands off snakey
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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