Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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