Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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